self-reflection,self-realization,self-pity,self-depress,self-centered,self-mess,self-unwanted, self-release...

today, i went out with my mum for lunch together and i was asking her about my childhood because i can't remember almost nothing about it. i mean, yeah i cud probably trace back every bad things that i've done as a CHILD...haha, mum said i was a bit of a problematic kid and it is not because of just me. i've done the unexpected because of there were factors involved.

but mum told me one thing that really makes me taken aback. i was 5 i think, mum said i said something unusual for a 5 year old girl to say or even think about it... i was saying it to a friend of my mum's and then, she told my mum. i was like, woah, really, i said that? i can't remember a thing about the past as a child, i remember my mum ask the 5 year old me and my 2 years old sister to call her friend to come over because she was having miscarriage and my dad was outstation. i remember that very clearly of she was in pain, crying and probably blood and i was being scared as i dialled the phone for her...

the thing that i've said, you wouldn't believe what because i was questioning it myself too. and now i wonder if that has anything to do with who and how i am now? does the childhood really affected you as a grown up eventho you can't even remember the pain that you have to go through as a child? yeah, i have that and i personally blame my dad, especially his family. period. mum said probably the reason i don't remember because it was too bitter to swallow. i was labelled as a bad child for the whole world to know, SHE said to my mum my dad wants a son for the first newborn, they treated my mum badly and i am not as important as the other grandchildren and all those sayings....maybe she's right, but i still have the sweet part of it with my late nenek and atuk. altho they have long gone, especially atuk, but i still remember when he brought me to kedai kopi kat kampung, and he would order teh tarik and pour some of it on the saucer so it would be cold faster for me to drink. that was the fondest memory i have of him and for nenek, i love her to death. i really, really miss them, and for me, i have no other grandparents than them who loves me for who i am.

wow, i don't mean to offend anyone or trying to show the skeleton in my closet, but you know, things could have been differently if SHE who-shall-not-be-mention would be a little bit normal like everyone else and fuck off from destroying other's life. what the hell is wrong with HER? up until now, SHE's still as evil as SHE is eventho SHE's already near to death. how's that? God, i really hated HER, loathe, disgust by HER. SHE is the reason of why my dad who used to love me so much as a child like every other dad would as my mum told me, ended with the things that i've said. i probably have a painless childhood and could remember all those good things i've been as a child, but thanks to HER and i don't claim myself to be perfect either but sometimes i wonder if i was a good daughter to my parents and if i could do better than what i am now. i was embarrassed by this thing that a friend of my sister did for her parents. she is 17 now, her parents were into frozen food business, so the money depends on how the sales were. she knew this month is a slow month for the business so she decided to use up her own money she had and she's not working to pay the school fees and the tuitions fees and it was actually still not enough and she was embarrassed to ask her mum. me? i still took advantages of everything in my life and i'm already 20. i feel ashamed of myself, very. it seems that everyone around me has something to give, or to sacrifice for, something to give up for or anything. and i can't see anything from me. that makes me feel like a piece of a worthless speciment of a human being in this world, to myself, to my family and friends and everyone. i really wish i could do something, anything...

as i grew up, i learnt to accept, to appreciate more, to love and to use my heart and brain. i was lucky that people that i have in my life is the one that would be my saviour any day. i have my bestfren who would ended up me hurting her hurting me because of who i am but still would stick with me till the end and my family, especially my mum. i am indeed very, very, very lucky to have a PERFECT mother. she is my everything, absolutely my everything. i don't know what i'll do without her. and its killing me knowing that one day she would have to go and i would never be ready for that. i got asphyxiated just thinking about it. and i am very fortunate to be her daughter and a part of her. my dad too would have been nothing without her. sigh. it drives me crazy just thinking about it, about all of this. a past is a past, but when the past is still living and still trying to destroy you, what would you do? i was used to listen to other's stories about their problems but i was unknown to my own and knowing it and more makes me feel useless and unwanted and i am not actually happy as i thought i were or as i cud be. and if this my future and the truth, then i rather would be better dead. please help me, Ya Allah.:[

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rainbow series.

this one, seriously love it, love making it and love the result.

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