Nothingness

hey blog, its been awhile. i know i've been abandoning you...
im sorry. today i cry again. and yesterday. and maybe back then when i dunno why the hell i cry. its like an auto reflexes that i cant avoid. i know i always been a cryer in the dark but lately its out of control. even the simplest words touched me and tear jerked me! its exhausting me. making me feel like its going to be that way again and again. crying doesn't mean sad rite? it cud be a lot of other things but for me its for nothing. its like the reason to cry is when the deepest, softest part of me has been touched, has been disturbed. the bright side of it, it goes to show that i have feelings, im not feelingless like i thought i was. the darkside of it, someone somewhere thinks its them to blame. its not. maybe they trigger it but the rest, elaborating this part was entirely me. see me babbling nonesensely. i hate tis cuz i ruined everything.

speechless

hello blog. it's been quite awhile, isn't it?
wuuu, i've been happy, so happy with what i have right now. i've met him and being with him makes me the happiest girl in the world~ ^^
there's no word to describe how it feels but all i know it makes me feel better about everything. yes, i've waited long for this and yes, i am happy.
thank you Allah for this beautiful man you've sent to me. if its a little early to say, i hope he was created for me because above all, he always bring out the best in like no one else can do.

Mohd Asyraf,
i get it all, tall, dark, and handsome. :P and comell~ :3
kind, giving and understanding
patience, passionate and emphatic
it's when you scream, and he calms you.
when you slap him, and he kisses you.
when you cry, and he hugs you.
when you tell him you hate him, and he tells you he loves you
this is what you are that i know, i just can't ask for more and i hope it stays like this forever~ :]

ive hated you before, you know...

i knooowww i should have not been thinking about it but so much has happened and pretty much, i was force to think about it anyway. well, ok get this. all your life, all you have is yourself, then your real families and last, your friends. this is your comfort zone. through life, you will meet a stranger and get to know him and then finally get into him, generally. then you have to get to know his family, him to yours. so the problem is how would you, especially a girl get that golden ticket to enter the new family. just be yourself? boy, you are reading too many books and novels. pretending? not going to get you anywhere. ok, maybe a mixed of be yourself and pretend here and there would let you make it to the finals. well, its going to be a disaster. it used to scare me about this whole in law thing because i dunno, not very good with the people? other's parents usually never failed to scare me? and the family = a lot of people in it with different stories, different other family and yada, yada, yada. haha, of course i am excited to be part of a large, big happy family, if it is a big happy family where i used to own one before my grandmother died. after that, they are all just some piece of shit. don't mind that but today, i figure out, hey, i am going to marry someone else's son and for that i have to gain that permission whether i like it or not. there's no other way, everyone have the same problem and why would i not have the same right. it seems fine for everyone so i guess i'll be just fine even though im going to be scared shitless when the time comes. hahahahaha.

but the thing that forced me to think about this is how a person with a wrecked personality would have gone through that. oh God, i knew this one person who have this problem and i was trying to figure out how she would...tackle the situation. the truth is, im sick of her already, she caused too many problems and know no shame. if she thought she had lost everything in this life, that's bullshit. there are alot of others out there who suffered more than you are. i don't know what more she wants because she had almost everything she wanted. the thing that pissed me off is the way my mom got the worst blow. my mother has done everything for her, absolutely everything, even more than her own children, but then you still thinking that you have less than everyone else. if only she could see that if she changed her ways, we could have loved you better and everything would be easy. and the things that get me, come on, you are all grown up, act like one. yes, i know you are mad with them but do come to your senses, the only way you could do is succeed in your life and show them what you are made of. but no, you can't see that and you don't want to see that. so what else? well, i'm sorry if you feel that way but me and family couldn't care a less too for you. we all have a better things to do than to just feels sorry for you. we do but if you continued to do things like this and acted like you are, i doubt that how you are going to do the in law thing because even us, your real family could not stand you. unless, with other people you pretend to be normal. well, that is so sick. you'll hurt the ones that you love huh? great. carry on, we'll see who get really hurt in the end.you really pissed me off and if i get a chance to fight you, i will make sure i would make the best out of it. and i mean every word.

too ordinary for the world...whatever that means. heh.

sometimes i've wondered if other people have the same problem as mine. or i have the same problem as theirs. which whatever it is, i'm grateful for what i have. of course, as a human or more precisely as a girl, there was more that i wanted. much, much more than i should. i wouldn't say i lack of things, all my neccesities has been filled sufficiently by my dear parents...thanks to umi and abah. but there was more to dream, is it?

well, maybe back then, i would say i wouldn't miss a thing if i don't have anyone to call my own but today, i know how good it feels to care for someone who cares for me back.
maybe back then i wish for someone who are gloriously perfect but today, i will accept them the way they are because that what makes them special.
maybe back then i would long for the extraordinary person but today, just by being ordinary would always bring that smile to my face.
maybe back then i have this huge dream that i wanted to achieve so bad but today i understand that nothing is more important than to make everything that makes me happy real than the far away dream.

it's what i have now that's the one that i have to make out of the most. im not sure if im looking for something out there but for whatever reason, i am happy for what i have now eventhough i don't have them yet or soon or maybe even never. and to think back, everything in my life falls at the right places. sometimes it scares me that it was so...perfect. the life, the job, the love?

what i have might not be something that people would look up to or let alone fantatizing for it, but for me, i have the best part of it, the most wonderful
and i am exactly where i wanted to be. you might called it an easy way out like i used to think but it's just the same. i had my own difficulties, hardship and obstacles. its in for everyone who went through this life and it never stops and i want to go through my life like i should, for the future is a mystery, for love has no boundaries and for life is too short. just be grateful to the bit of your life that remains and of coures to the one that has just get started.

well, maybe back then i don't want to grow up, i want to stay in my 3 years old world but today i am 20, i finally see the world with my heart, with the help of people around me.

haaa....the long holiday must have taken me into these all mushy stuff. for what its worth, i am glad that i am just an ordinary and living off my so called boring life...that makes me a happy girl :]

dear darlings brat......

you guys...kakngah, kaklang, abang zaid, kakak aisyah and ziyad, just so you know kaklong loves you guys so much. most of you guys are still small, still cute, still... well, shittin off the diapers, we will never know what's going to happen tomorrow, in the future but just don't let this thing that we had now, this brotherly and sisterly loves vanished just like that. there are 6 of us and this 6 of us will stay strong together. you guys know right how weird it feels when one of us went missing, away to some camp, even when im away to college...haha, then mum would talk about how would it be when its kakngah's turn away for college like its the end of the world...yeah, that's funny or like how kaklang is going to survive doing house chores without the other 2 big sisters... all those good talks and i want all of us to feel that way every time, all the time, even when you guys all grown up, have a life of your own or so, or having a family of your own. always remember that you once had a family growing up and no matter what, keep it in your heart always. the journey of life is a long way to go for all of us but always be strong and me, will always be there for the 5 of you, i might scream a little, bully a bit but hey, that's my big sister way for you guys and one day, you're going to remember and laugh about it and most of all, missed it and remembered me. i love you guys so much.

*i'm saving it here until all of you are matured enough to know what this piece is all about. then i'm going to make copies to your email every freaking days of your life. haha. my big sister wayyy... :]

what's with the extraordinary anyway?

is it compulsory for us to be extraordinary? ok, maybe once we've thought about it right but really, does it really matters to have the power, to have the gift, the talent....and the way you chased them down is like obessessing over something unreal? i mean ok, dreams got you far but do you really need to be all that? yes, everyone wants to change the world, for better, for good. that is very needed right now. but how, may i ask you to change the world where you cannot even changed yourself first... and i'm not talking just about you, this goes to myself too. it seems like everyone got something to say, something to do, and the people who doesn't speak much about what people said is the one they called ignorant. well, the thing is we, the ignorant ones don't necessarily talks about it because it would only lead to bullshitting and in the end of the day, it was still nothing much to be done by you people who talks much now, is it? so let's not talk about why we don't talk about it as much as you are and start to do something useful for the world. we all have our own uniqueness and strong points to help the world to be a better place. instead of trying to do something too big, why don't we start with the smaller steps like correcting the wrongs off ourselves for we are not perfect. i really need to do that. then slowly build up for what you're believe in. then we can go for the next step and next and next. and no, you don't have to be extraordinary to do that. haaaaa, just something off my chest. :]