My good and bad.

GOOD:

1. Eclipse
2. Twilight
3. Edward and Bella
4. Dreams
5. Absent-minded
6. Thoughts
7. Scrapbook
8. Friends
9. Bronte sisters
10. Classic

BAD:

1. Teacher interview [sucks big time!]
2. Loss of someone I love
3. New moon publisher
4. Lost in a big mall
5. Spending too much
6. Alone
7. Sins
8. Fear of something you have never seen before
9. Too much stuff
10. Waiting for something good to come along.

It's randomly arranged. Nothing personal but that's just me. Bad weekends. I wish someone would die for me. I wish I wasn't afraid. I wish my obsessive-compulsive disorder doesn't crossed the line. So many wishes of discontentment. I wish I wasn't that either. :]

New in the family!

Well, actually I kidnapped them from someone I know and they let me have it? Haha. They are Kello and Mello. I took the pictures after their shower day. Smell nice and all clean. White and

fluffy. Its been a while that I'm petless since I've lost my little Blackookie. Gosh, I miss her. She was my bestfriend. So, what she's a cat? At least she doesn't stab me in the back or something, unlike you. Yeah, you. Anyway, this two cute guys (ehh, both of them are male ya?) is oh-so-cute and super active and extremely playful. I'm gonna miss them when I'm away soon to college. They are like my little children. Haha. I love them sooooooooo much! Muaxx! :]

Boys, guys, mens

Gosh, I really couldn't live a day without blogging! All the other days I've skipped, you don't want to know how miserable I am. LOL. Absurd. So, there is a good friend of mine, Aya, she asked me about when will I ever find a guy that I could call my own and can't wait to see I'm in someone else's arms, huh? Yeah, I know it would be a real fun to you. I mean, it does occur to me because you know, sometimes it does get really lonely but I just don't know. Maybe it's just me, waiting for something more or maybe it's the guys who thought I wasn't good enough? See, I don't really know but as far as I know, I'm pretty happy with myself. I don't mind going out alone although it's always better to have a friend to keep you company, so you don't have to look stupid with nobody.

Sometimes, the thoughts of having someone making you feel like...special or loved, ok, by a guy scares me. I know, I know its wasn't supposed to be that way but it's how I feel. Right now. I find it's hard to accept guys that even only asking for my phone number, I've become numb and shy away. No, I don't have any bad experience with any guys, in fact I'm pretty friendly with everyone. So, why? Well, my guess is I'm lack of experience with guys or either if a guy wants me, he needs to work hard twice, no triple and die-trying. Yeah, time. I need time. That's what I need. But that doesn't mean, if you talk to me, I won't be responding or anything. I'll talk to you and get to know you but if it comes down to that, the thing will be needed to be taken really slowly. I'm easily spooked. Also curious. And observant. Before anything else, I just want to know all about him, without freaking him out that is. That's me. :]

I love you and I'll miss you all the way until the time is through.

I've been away for so long now, maybe not. Probably because I've always update my blog daily. It's becoming kinda addictive but I personally love every minute I spent on it! LOL. So, I've been busy for a while. My nenek. She passed away on 7th May when she was warded at HKL 2 weeks ago on Friday. Guess who is free enough to accompany her at the hospital? Me! Well, I don't mind, I mean spending time with nenek is a loving moment but sometimes I just got scared thinking of the fact that I will be sleeping in a hospital, yes, its the weak heart of mine and if anything happens to nenek, yeah, I try so hard not to think of anything that leads to that.

It wasn't long that it was only me alone who can keep her accompanied. My mum has to rush in almost everyday because I called her to come almost everyday. Not because of me, but it's nenek. She wasn't stabilized even in the hospital. She has lung cancer, advanced by her first cancer, cervix cancer. She has a hard time to breathe, helping by oxygen supplied, she couldn't eat anything solid, only in liquid form like half-boiled eggs, milk and etc. She couldn't sleep without morphin and coughing non- stop. So, if you was there all the time, what would you feel, seeing your grandma suffering like that? I was FREAKIN SCARED! Let alone I can't do anything to help her ease her pain, to watch her like that? It's not a beautiful scenario.

I thought I could be with her at the hospital all through the week until she is discharge on last Sunday but she went away first on that Wednesday. All of her daughters except for her youngest that was having last sem. exams at her university in Sarawak was there by her death bed and me too. For a second, I could not believe that I've lost her. I mean, I was with her all the time to the very end. Now, I missed her, I missed touching her hands and feet making sure they are warm, not cold, feed her food, making her nestum plus milk and remind her about taking her med. But, now, she's not here anymore.

Sometimes, I blame myself because I've lost her. It was me who taking care of her at the end of her life. I felt that sometimes I was a bit pushy and not patience with her. But most of it, I blame the doctor. Yeah, you don't wanna know about that. Anyway, I hope nenek is rest in peace now and finally can be with atuk. I hope both of them will be among the people who is loved and forgiven by Allah.

Semoga Allah mencucuri roh mereka dan menempatkan mereka di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman dan beramal soleh. Al-FATIHAH. Amin.