I've been away for so long now, maybe not. Probably because I've always update my blog daily. It's becoming kinda addictive but I personally love every minute I spent on it! LOL. So, I've been busy for a while. My nenek. She passed away on 7th May when she was warded at HKL 2 weeks ago on Friday. Guess who is free enough to accompany her at the hospital? Me! Well, I don't mind, I mean spending time with nenek is a loving moment but sometimes I just got scared thinking of the fact that I will be sleeping in a hospital, yes, its the weak heart of mine and if anything happens to nenek, yeah, I try so hard not to think of anything that leads to that.
It wasn't long that it was only me alone who can keep her accompanied. My mum has to rush in almost everyday because I called her to come almost everyday. Not because of me, but it's nenek. She wasn't stabilized even in the hospital. She has lung cancer, advanced by her first cancer, cervix cancer. She has a hard time to breathe, helping by oxygen supplied, she couldn't eat anything solid, only in liquid form like half-boiled eggs, milk and etc. She couldn't sleep without morphin and coughing non- stop. So, if you was there all the time, what would you feel, seeing your grandma suffering like that? I was FREAKIN SCARED! Let alone I can't do anything to help her ease her pain, to watch her like that? It's not a beautiful scenario.
I thought I could be with her at the hospital all through the week until she is discharge on last Sunday but she went away first on that Wednesday. All of her daughters except for her youngest that was having last sem. exams at her university in Sarawak was there by her death bed and me too. For a second, I could not believe that I've lost her. I mean, I was with her all the time to the very end. Now, I missed her, I missed touching her hands and feet making sure they are warm, not cold, feed her food, making her nestum plus milk and remind her about taking her med. But, now, she's not here anymore.
Sometimes, I blame myself because I've lost her. It was me who taking care of her at the end of her life. I felt that sometimes I was a bit pushy and not patience with her. But most of it, I blame the doctor. Yeah, you don't wanna know about that. Anyway, I hope nenek is rest in peace now and finally can be with atuk. I hope both of them will be among the people who is loved and forgiven by Allah.
Semoga Allah mencucuri roh mereka dan menempatkan mereka di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman dan beramal soleh. Al-FATIHAH. Amin.
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