please don't disturb me.

i dunno what to do anymore. it seems so empty these days. i don't want to tell the story but i can't keep it burried there because its eating my heart out. even if the story have been told, no one would have the complete understanding of what or why and automatically, i am the victim instead of the predator. human. i wish they just say it even if it hurts. but i guess they just dont understand everything that happened, so i hope they would just forget everything that ive told like it was a whisper in the wind, swift and lost its way...yet, i want you to listen to it, of how disturbed it sounds.

i drive and drive into the long heavy traffic, and with my break was merely working, waiting til the day its losing and not functionting anymore. if you want to die, its so easy, you can either unconciously let go of the steering wheel while you were speeding at a turn, i have that privilege which i am very afraid to use. often i wish to let go after i finished thinking and cry. being in the traffic, you have all the time in the world to see, to think, to scream, to cry, to get distracted or to even to talk to yourself into things because everybody else would be busy to get out of the traffic and won't notice you. i am really afraid of myself because ot the impulsive acts that i could pull while driving. sometimes it is involuntary, so far it was always almost to hit the divider but i managed. i keep having these urges, to see what happen if i finally let go, to crash and to no longer seen walking on this earth.

Ya Allah, i am at Your mercy. Please don't let me lose it and only to You i pray and ask for protection in this life. but if it was meant for it to happen, i surrender completely to You.

awareness is very important but i can't seem to have that anymore. i shouldn't be driving like this but i don't want to burden my mom with things like this as if she haven't have enough things on her mind to worry about. oh, don't tell her. i just hope my sanity would be strong enough to control me to get there safely and to still be able to let my mom knows that i am already arrived in one piece, everyday. to keep holding on to the steering wheel means a life to live for, i just have to keep remember that. i have a life to live for even it meant solitude and my family that i love the most. how can they cope without me anyway? haha, yeah they need me alrite. drive and keep driving till you can't drive anymore.