Human and people

oh ahoy! its been awhile now since...umm, awhile? hehe. so i want to..ehh, express something this time. it's about a lecturer of mine and his lectures. you know, he is a very exprience man and a good lecturer, there's no doubt about that but he's kinda confused me. i dunno if the other students were confused too but if you look a point of view, he's biased with things he said and his facts, they were kind of exaggerate. also, he told us that we can confide anything to him, problems and stuff, that i doubt very much, not because he couldnt keep a secret or such, i think he's pretty judging tho he told us he just going to be honest..well, for me, it's always been a good relationship with the lectures but when it comes to psychological, that's no child's play. i dunno why, but i have this feeling that he doesnt like me, yep. i swear i didnt literally and never done anything wrong to him, intentionally or unintentionally, so why? i always felt that he always try to provoke me and tell me indirectly that i have no personality. wth? maybe i am a bit of an introvert and i dun speak much in his class, i dun 'sparkle' him with knowledge that i have, i dun show off like the rest of them, because i am being me. that's me and the other lecturer are fine by it, why he has to do that to me? i dont see a reason why i have to go his way if i am not comfortable with myself rite? if he is an honest man, marks on the subject is untouchable and not going to be effected by his judgement. i often sit at my place and look directly to him in class and think about a lot of stuff about things that he said. and i come to a conclusion: i don't like him. that's it, he annoyed me and i don't want to give a shit about what he wants to say about me anyway. i know who i am and he is who he is, i am not going to be him and he's not going to get the best of me. well, i just hope i'll survive this sem and not going to see him again at the rest of the sems left. don't think i can't take that much anymore.

next, on last wednesday, i had an appointment, what is it, you don't need to know. so as usual, i went to that place and i'll have an attendant to attend me. it's always Becky who attended me, but this time, it was Wei Wei. how different can the two people who work at the same place, supposedly doing the same thing everyday? very, very different and if i have to rate, i'll give them equally. i like both, how well they do their work and both has their ways to do things. so, why do we want to do things in other's way when we can do it our way? why do we have to be like the others while we have our own identity and who are they to tell you that you don't have a personality? so ok, i might sucks at giving first impression but you can't keep keeping me in your black list and telling what should i do this and that? so, everyone is different, accept it. and i'll try to fix me to be better, for myself, but not you. that, you have to accept, mr. you can tell on me anything but i'll never let you get the real me.

self-reflection,self-realization,self-pity,self-depress,self-centered,self-mess,self-unwanted, self-release...

today, i went out with my mum for lunch together and i was asking her about my childhood because i can't remember almost nothing about it. i mean, yeah i cud probably trace back every bad things that i've done as a CHILD...haha, mum said i was a bit of a problematic kid and it is not because of just me. i've done the unexpected because of there were factors involved.

but mum told me one thing that really makes me taken aback. i was 5 i think, mum said i said something unusual for a 5 year old girl to say or even think about it... i was saying it to a friend of my mum's and then, she told my mum. i was like, woah, really, i said that? i can't remember a thing about the past as a child, i remember my mum ask the 5 year old me and my 2 years old sister to call her friend to come over because she was having miscarriage and my dad was outstation. i remember that very clearly of she was in pain, crying and probably blood and i was being scared as i dialled the phone for her...

the thing that i've said, you wouldn't believe what because i was questioning it myself too. and now i wonder if that has anything to do with who and how i am now? does the childhood really affected you as a grown up eventho you can't even remember the pain that you have to go through as a child? yeah, i have that and i personally blame my dad, especially his family. period. mum said probably the reason i don't remember because it was too bitter to swallow. i was labelled as a bad child for the whole world to know, SHE said to my mum my dad wants a son for the first newborn, they treated my mum badly and i am not as important as the other grandchildren and all those sayings....maybe she's right, but i still have the sweet part of it with my late nenek and atuk. altho they have long gone, especially atuk, but i still remember when he brought me to kedai kopi kat kampung, and he would order teh tarik and pour some of it on the saucer so it would be cold faster for me to drink. that was the fondest memory i have of him and for nenek, i love her to death. i really, really miss them, and for me, i have no other grandparents than them who loves me for who i am.

wow, i don't mean to offend anyone or trying to show the skeleton in my closet, but you know, things could have been differently if SHE who-shall-not-be-mention would be a little bit normal like everyone else and fuck off from destroying other's life. what the hell is wrong with HER? up until now, SHE's still as evil as SHE is eventho SHE's already near to death. how's that? God, i really hated HER, loathe, disgust by HER. SHE is the reason of why my dad who used to love me so much as a child like every other dad would as my mum told me, ended with the things that i've said. i probably have a painless childhood and could remember all those good things i've been as a child, but thanks to HER and i don't claim myself to be perfect either but sometimes i wonder if i was a good daughter to my parents and if i could do better than what i am now. i was embarrassed by this thing that a friend of my sister did for her parents. she is 17 now, her parents were into frozen food business, so the money depends on how the sales were. she knew this month is a slow month for the business so she decided to use up her own money she had and she's not working to pay the school fees and the tuitions fees and it was actually still not enough and she was embarrassed to ask her mum. me? i still took advantages of everything in my life and i'm already 20. i feel ashamed of myself, very. it seems that everyone around me has something to give, or to sacrifice for, something to give up for or anything. and i can't see anything from me. that makes me feel like a piece of a worthless speciment of a human being in this world, to myself, to my family and friends and everyone. i really wish i could do something, anything...

as i grew up, i learnt to accept, to appreciate more, to love and to use my heart and brain. i was lucky that people that i have in my life is the one that would be my saviour any day. i have my bestfren who would ended up me hurting her hurting me because of who i am but still would stick with me till the end and my family, especially my mum. i am indeed very, very, very lucky to have a PERFECT mother. she is my everything, absolutely my everything. i don't know what i'll do without her. and its killing me knowing that one day she would have to go and i would never be ready for that. i got asphyxiated just thinking about it. and i am very fortunate to be her daughter and a part of her. my dad too would have been nothing without her. sigh. it drives me crazy just thinking about it, about all of this. a past is a past, but when the past is still living and still trying to destroy you, what would you do? i was used to listen to other's stories about their problems but i was unknown to my own and knowing it and more makes me feel useless and unwanted and i am not actually happy as i thought i were or as i cud be. and if this my future and the truth, then i rather would be better dead. please help me, Ya Allah.:[

rainbow-NEW

'Eearie Candy Tree' hehe its just happen!

rainbow series

rainbow series

rainbow series.

this one, seriously love it, love making it and love the result.

if want to see all of it in an album, click on my facebook link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2047918&id=1198163510&l=e442fda9e6

20(years old)10?

hello my dearest blog with no reader. haha. i've been happy, depressed, alone, cheerful, having worst and better days this year. my parents were away for awhile, kinda miss them. oh, i miss them a lot. now, they have returned and i have never been happy! i have spent their money accordingly, i think. taking care of 6 siblings is a hardwork yeh. i had to cook, which i'm not very good at, but so far, everyone is alive. trying to keep the house clean is a challenge when you have your 2-16 years old brothers and sisters as the opponents. hah. and harrassment from the 'outsiders' never fail to make me feel like straggling them in very cold water. yes, yes, yes. for 1 month and 10 days, i have been a guardian for my little siblings. it helps me loving them a little bit more, makes me think about my responsibility towards others and just surviving this life trip and learnt the value of family and sticking together. you only have yourself and your family in the end when the others tend to do the same thing too. ok, enough about that. here's my 2010 new year resolutions that i've come up with. i've decided that starting this year, i want to have my list of resolutions according to my age. haha. with exceptations. hahah.

2010 new year resolution

1)improve my private life
-ok, this is bad, i may sound desprate but hey, a girl could always dream, right?

2)more artwork
-probably working on sketch and realism, and also colourful painting on little canvas, a collection. so my house, one day would be so colourful and so awesome. wink2.

3)buy and read 20 books and do reviews
-granted, turning 20, a big change, 20 resolutions, 20 books and reviews. i always got lucky with books i pick.

4)DSLR camera as a birthday gift for myself
-i always get myself a gift on my birthday, huh more or less, but this year, an
expensive one. but if u want to suprise me, let me know. wink2

5)celebrate for being 20
-hmm, this one, i want to do something, big maybe but i don't know yet. something make my life worth living after 20 years of my life.

6)achieve something, anything big this year
-related, please see above

7)i want to celebrate upon every achievement, even the smallest that worth celebrating
-brownies for breakfast, the most creamy, chocolest cute cupcake 3 days in a row, ice cream after 2 am with movies, if the next day is holiday. you name it, sweet.

8)enjoy my life, my way, to the fullest
-life is too short, might as well enjoy it.

9)give myself eveything that i deserved.
-DSLR camera, good books, enough rest, high pointer, happiness.

10)broaden my horizon, open to new things and be positive with everything.
-this one, i always fail, misrably. let's try again.

11)nailed my degree year 1 with highest pointer.
-well, i just have to work my ass off.

12)need to get out of the house and start living like everybody else
-yeah, i still live with my parents and my little siblings, yeah, home sweet home. ok, maybe, probably, this year i'll try.

13)Improve my way of life, change for better.
-this is between me and God.

14)Go greener.
-i tried recycling and i sucked. this year, that and plastic bags no more.

15)learn to ignore and said no.
-a weakness of mine. for having so much of compassion in the wrong situation.

16)learn to accept rejection and cope with failure so it would motivate me to start again.
-haha. egoistical.

17)learn to let go and get over those stupid things
-this one has giving me a hell of a hard time to move on.

18)be a good teacher like mom.
-mana jatuhnya kuah, kalau tak ke nasi

19)to always be there even if it hurts.
-it's a long process and it always makes me wonder if i was really there and why it has to hurt.

20)i hope to get through all of these changes and still be true to myself.
-changes could be good.

late enrty:
i haven't watch NEW MOON yet, boo-hoo, big deal. so, it came down to this. if i'm not going to watch new moon, so i will not watch eclipse and breaking dawn. yeah, well maybe one day, i'll go and buy the whole saga dvd duluxe edition, sit down with my homemade popcorn and watch the whole thing on my 55' plasma TV, alone. yeah, one day. or maybe, if this is possible, i want to rent a movie theater, popcorns and free time. hehe.larger screen. besar punyer!

am i gonna jinx my new year by making my new year resolutions public? nah, i'm not that strict. lol. :]

2009!

It's almost new year again. Time does fly faster, quicker, swiftly... oh well, there's nothing you can do anyway. so, i've been up with the usual. i've done all of these during my sem break for this year. let's just say, my time is well spent. and a few back then, when i was in my 2nd sem, i had to do painting and that frog for my english lecturer. this one has the funny story and i gave them names. hah. then there's sculpture for 3rd sem.

for all of those colourful painting, let's just say i was experimenting with colours, subjects, positions, etc, etc, etc. i figured out how to use art masking fluid and love it! it did good and bad, but i managed to fix it. i'll show later with pictures.

i like all of it, to be honest. not to be vain, but self-motivate. i enjoyed doing it, as it takes my mind away from things that i don't want to know. and its very simple, even you can do it. all you need is time, brushes, colours, paper or canvas and an imagination. each of it doesn't take much time, probably because im using small canvas, which is very convinient. most of it i finished it within a day, if i just stay put and finish it until i gain headache. lol. but it was fun and it satisfied me to see the result. well, it might not be van gogh or da vinci or picasso, but it's a starter. i do like art and painting is one of it. i would like to try new things, new method, new media like oil colour or pastel. or bigger canvas or paint on various surface.

it seems that, these days, people paint or do artwork because it means something, anything, deep meaning or just surface. trying to express their opinion or thoughts through art and that's cool. but mine, all of these are just random, things? that i tried to paint. like i said, experimenting. maybe some of it has their own meaning, or maybe some of it just plain paintings. eek, i don't know, you'll be the judge. so, tell me that i wasted my money and time doing this, but for me, it's called self-learning and i'm learning something from it and i wish to produce more. so for 2010, expect to see more of these, maybe even better, as you learnt to be better and grew more experienced with time. maybe i develop my own style and flair in my artworks, or finally found a way to express myself through this medium and that would be awesome. haha.

yeah, i figure out that if you just sit around and do nothing, you'll have nothing in the end. so here i am, doing things that i could do, my strongest point, mum was right. even though i like science and stuff, i just couldn't pull it through. while i can't mixed the chemicals, calculate the workdone, i sure can mixed the colours and get it bright and right and paint it done. umm, yeah. lol.

a few that is shown here has already given as gifts to my love ones. that's the cool thing when you can be creative with things, you never died of ideas. i always love giving suprises to them but hate when it falls on mine. and another few of these will also become presents for them for next year birthdays. guess which one that you'll get. ok, so here's the pictures and enjoy.

oh, note the sketches, it's still rough, i'm just not good at it, yet. i tried, the potrait of my mum, it's slightly different. how's the saying goes, practice make perfect, yeah, i'm working on it.

like my lecturer, pn. shuhadah once said, there are people are born to an artist, some of them are train to be one. i wonder which one i am?

'Terry'

this is BEFORE, you see the messiness of the colours, that's the masking fluid. its prevent the colour from touching the canvas. well, sort of.
'The 4th Season'

this is AFTER, see no more smudges. with a little editing here and there, it becomes more refined. haha.
trying to finish this up. gonna take quite some times.

happened accidently. i was like trying to draw figures, but only could have them from the back. oh, it's a dream.

'Mine'

'Colours'

playing with colours. end up looking like this, so i thought, hey,this is fun.

'Tulips'

another masking fluid work. its sort of messy at first, then i managed to fixed it.

'Grow'

this is actually the first one im using that fluid and this one for mum for her new office and her 44th birthday.

'Either Way'
yeah, this is for you.

yup, the frogs with names. done for my lecturer. i got to keep frankie.

'Roses for Van Gogh'

don't mind the tittle. i was exaggerating. i made this one for someone special before she left.

isn't it so obvious?

ok, the 1st picture was the one that's actually finished. the 2nd, after it was framed. the 3rd, the one that i have right now which i am pretty lazy to finish it. sigh. :]

did you?

you wanna know something about me? the truth? always hurt.
i am, not what i am.
i'm holding my deepest, darkest secrets and never let it slip away.
i am evil, useless and i don't deserved anything.

if you only knew,
i am very much ashamed of myself.
i pretend and living in denial.
if you only knew, if they only knew.

sometimes, it's too much, it makes me cry.
it's sinful and how i hate it.
who would have thought.
if you just knew, you wouldn't look at me at the same way again, i'm sure.

it's a burden that i created, no one to blame.
but i am afraid to tell, or even to share
i cant' tell, i can't tell
some things are meant to be unspoken

i wish for better, i wish i would change
i wish i don't have to tell you what it is
so please don't ask me again
i hope it would just end one day