Handcuffs by Bethany Griffin

my second book review

i had to buy it because the title of the book is handcuffs. man, i am so sick! when handcuff is involved, i was expecting something close to porn but it is not. thank god for that. and it is better than porn and it excite me to read.

its a story about a girl, parker prescott who is an ice princess, the boy who wants to thaw her, and everything that happens after they get caught with a pair of handcuffs. so busted but the moment was exhilarating and the moves, the question but the aftermath, sucks.

i just love her sometimes twisted mind and how she is with her ex-boyfriend, its almost not normal. but the boy is considered charming and dangerous at the same time. nope, he's not a vampire, thank you. and i am crazy for the handcuff moment, it was oh so sexy and well, so wrong but so tempting? ah yeah, something like that. i wouldn't mind that happen to me. LOL. but either way, that was most about it. its a almost typical school love story, family crisis, school life sucks and girl-enemies, friendship fuck-up, just like the one i had, and that's pretty much are.

but one thing i found very funny, parker blackmailed her neighbour and it works, like what? 2000$ dollars and she gets the money! LOL, its crazy but she got caught in the end. the thing is she did it for a good cause but stealing is still stealing, but she didnt get charged because the neighbour, Kyle, ex-friend knew who and why.

and the reason parker and he boyfriend which has no name in the book broke up because he wants to have sex with her and she don't but in the end they did it without being in the relationship and when the guy wants to get back together, she doesn't want to. strange but i really like her. LOL. a good read.

please don't disturb me.

i dunno what to do anymore. it seems so empty these days. i don't want to tell the story but i can't keep it burried there because its eating my heart out. even if the story have been told, no one would have the complete understanding of what or why and automatically, i am the victim instead of the predator. human. i wish they just say it even if it hurts. but i guess they just dont understand everything that happened, so i hope they would just forget everything that ive told like it was a whisper in the wind, swift and lost its way...yet, i want you to listen to it, of how disturbed it sounds.

i drive and drive into the long heavy traffic, and with my break was merely working, waiting til the day its losing and not functionting anymore. if you want to die, its so easy, you can either unconciously let go of the steering wheel while you were speeding at a turn, i have that privilege which i am very afraid to use. often i wish to let go after i finished thinking and cry. being in the traffic, you have all the time in the world to see, to think, to scream, to cry, to get distracted or to even to talk to yourself into things because everybody else would be busy to get out of the traffic and won't notice you. i am really afraid of myself because ot the impulsive acts that i could pull while driving. sometimes it is involuntary, so far it was always almost to hit the divider but i managed. i keep having these urges, to see what happen if i finally let go, to crash and to no longer seen walking on this earth.

Ya Allah, i am at Your mercy. Please don't let me lose it and only to You i pray and ask for protection in this life. but if it was meant for it to happen, i surrender completely to You.

awareness is very important but i can't seem to have that anymore. i shouldn't be driving like this but i don't want to burden my mom with things like this as if she haven't have enough things on her mind to worry about. oh, don't tell her. i just hope my sanity would be strong enough to control me to get there safely and to still be able to let my mom knows that i am already arrived in one piece, everyday. to keep holding on to the steering wheel means a life to live for, i just have to keep remember that. i have a life to live for even it meant solitude and my family that i love the most. how can they cope without me anyway? haha, yeah they need me alrite. drive and keep driving till you can't drive anymore.

True Love by Lurlene McDaniel

my first book review.

like the previous one that i've read, how do i love thee, this book true love is equally good. like always, i tend to go for a good bargain, 3 stories in one thick novel with a very reasonable price. yup, imma sucker for that.

the stories flow like this: Love, Romance and Friendship.

Love: Don't Die,My Love
Romance: I'll Be Seeing you
Friendship: A Rose for Melinda

my most fav is the 3rd story, the name reminded me of someone, kind of ironic or something. it was the most gripping yet out of the three. i cried a lot for this one. guess i saw how painful it is and the story was not written in the usual novel way. it was in the form of letters, emails, invitations, IM's, short notes and phone conversation. oh, and the diaries too. so you know it straight from the character's head. the others was ok, the first and the last involving death but not the second one. but for all the stories, it was worth reading.

Lurlene McDaniel is good with love and death. but the foremost important elements that she's trying to convey is hope and faith for the ones you loved. no matter if you are still alive or dead, the love never dies. yeah, i cried, it was sad and depressing. but a very good read. i rarely dissapoint myself when i pick up a book to read, one or two maybe but so far, i like my collection. you might call me shallow but as long as i enjoy what i read, you should do the same and get off my case.

evanescence rox my sox!

i love it. the melancholy of the mozart piece and the lyrics. amy lee is insanely creative!

Out on your own
cold and alone again
can this be what you really wanted, baby?

Blame it on me
set your guilt free
nothing can hold you back now

Now that you're gone
I feel like myself again
grieving the things I can't repair and willing...

To let you blame it on me
and set your guilt free
I don't want to hold you back now love

I can't change who I am
not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me
and in this short life,
there's no time to waste on giving up
my love wasn't enough

And you can blame it on me
just set your guilt free, honey
I don't want to hold you back now love

Human and people

oh ahoy! its been awhile now since...umm, awhile? hehe. so i want to..ehh, express something this time. it's about a lecturer of mine and his lectures. you know, he is a very exprience man and a good lecturer, there's no doubt about that but he's kinda confused me. i dunno if the other students were confused too but if you look a point of view, he's biased with things he said and his facts, they were kind of exaggerate. also, he told us that we can confide anything to him, problems and stuff, that i doubt very much, not because he couldnt keep a secret or such, i think he's pretty judging tho he told us he just going to be honest..well, for me, it's always been a good relationship with the lectures but when it comes to psychological, that's no child's play. i dunno why, but i have this feeling that he doesnt like me, yep. i swear i didnt literally and never done anything wrong to him, intentionally or unintentionally, so why? i always felt that he always try to provoke me and tell me indirectly that i have no personality. wth? maybe i am a bit of an introvert and i dun speak much in his class, i dun 'sparkle' him with knowledge that i have, i dun show off like the rest of them, because i am being me. that's me and the other lecturer are fine by it, why he has to do that to me? i dont see a reason why i have to go his way if i am not comfortable with myself rite? if he is an honest man, marks on the subject is untouchable and not going to be effected by his judgement. i often sit at my place and look directly to him in class and think about a lot of stuff about things that he said. and i come to a conclusion: i don't like him. that's it, he annoyed me and i don't want to give a shit about what he wants to say about me anyway. i know who i am and he is who he is, i am not going to be him and he's not going to get the best of me. well, i just hope i'll survive this sem and not going to see him again at the rest of the sems left. don't think i can't take that much anymore.

next, on last wednesday, i had an appointment, what is it, you don't need to know. so as usual, i went to that place and i'll have an attendant to attend me. it's always Becky who attended me, but this time, it was Wei Wei. how different can the two people who work at the same place, supposedly doing the same thing everyday? very, very different and if i have to rate, i'll give them equally. i like both, how well they do their work and both has their ways to do things. so, why do we want to do things in other's way when we can do it our way? why do we have to be like the others while we have our own identity and who are they to tell you that you don't have a personality? so ok, i might sucks at giving first impression but you can't keep keeping me in your black list and telling what should i do this and that? so, everyone is different, accept it. and i'll try to fix me to be better, for myself, but not you. that, you have to accept, mr. you can tell on me anything but i'll never let you get the real me.

self-reflection,self-realization,self-pity,self-depress,self-centered,self-mess,self-unwanted, self-release...

today, i went out with my mum for lunch together and i was asking her about my childhood because i can't remember almost nothing about it. i mean, yeah i cud probably trace back every bad things that i've done as a CHILD...haha, mum said i was a bit of a problematic kid and it is not because of just me. i've done the unexpected because of there were factors involved.

but mum told me one thing that really makes me taken aback. i was 5 i think, mum said i said something unusual for a 5 year old girl to say or even think about it... i was saying it to a friend of my mum's and then, she told my mum. i was like, woah, really, i said that? i can't remember a thing about the past as a child, i remember my mum ask the 5 year old me and my 2 years old sister to call her friend to come over because she was having miscarriage and my dad was outstation. i remember that very clearly of she was in pain, crying and probably blood and i was being scared as i dialled the phone for her...

the thing that i've said, you wouldn't believe what because i was questioning it myself too. and now i wonder if that has anything to do with who and how i am now? does the childhood really affected you as a grown up eventho you can't even remember the pain that you have to go through as a child? yeah, i have that and i personally blame my dad, especially his family. period. mum said probably the reason i don't remember because it was too bitter to swallow. i was labelled as a bad child for the whole world to know, SHE said to my mum my dad wants a son for the first newborn, they treated my mum badly and i am not as important as the other grandchildren and all those sayings....maybe she's right, but i still have the sweet part of it with my late nenek and atuk. altho they have long gone, especially atuk, but i still remember when he brought me to kedai kopi kat kampung, and he would order teh tarik and pour some of it on the saucer so it would be cold faster for me to drink. that was the fondest memory i have of him and for nenek, i love her to death. i really, really miss them, and for me, i have no other grandparents than them who loves me for who i am.

wow, i don't mean to offend anyone or trying to show the skeleton in my closet, but you know, things could have been differently if SHE who-shall-not-be-mention would be a little bit normal like everyone else and fuck off from destroying other's life. what the hell is wrong with HER? up until now, SHE's still as evil as SHE is eventho SHE's already near to death. how's that? God, i really hated HER, loathe, disgust by HER. SHE is the reason of why my dad who used to love me so much as a child like every other dad would as my mum told me, ended with the things that i've said. i probably have a painless childhood and could remember all those good things i've been as a child, but thanks to HER and i don't claim myself to be perfect either but sometimes i wonder if i was a good daughter to my parents and if i could do better than what i am now. i was embarrassed by this thing that a friend of my sister did for her parents. she is 17 now, her parents were into frozen food business, so the money depends on how the sales were. she knew this month is a slow month for the business so she decided to use up her own money she had and she's not working to pay the school fees and the tuitions fees and it was actually still not enough and she was embarrassed to ask her mum. me? i still took advantages of everything in my life and i'm already 20. i feel ashamed of myself, very. it seems that everyone around me has something to give, or to sacrifice for, something to give up for or anything. and i can't see anything from me. that makes me feel like a piece of a worthless speciment of a human being in this world, to myself, to my family and friends and everyone. i really wish i could do something, anything...

as i grew up, i learnt to accept, to appreciate more, to love and to use my heart and brain. i was lucky that people that i have in my life is the one that would be my saviour any day. i have my bestfren who would ended up me hurting her hurting me because of who i am but still would stick with me till the end and my family, especially my mum. i am indeed very, very, very lucky to have a PERFECT mother. she is my everything, absolutely my everything. i don't know what i'll do without her. and its killing me knowing that one day she would have to go and i would never be ready for that. i got asphyxiated just thinking about it. and i am very fortunate to be her daughter and a part of her. my dad too would have been nothing without her. sigh. it drives me crazy just thinking about it, about all of this. a past is a past, but when the past is still living and still trying to destroy you, what would you do? i was used to listen to other's stories about their problems but i was unknown to my own and knowing it and more makes me feel useless and unwanted and i am not actually happy as i thought i were or as i cud be. and if this my future and the truth, then i rather would be better dead. please help me, Ya Allah.:[