Nothingness

hey blog, its been awhile. i know i've been abandoning you...
im sorry. today i cry again. and yesterday. and maybe back then when i dunno why the hell i cry. its like an auto reflexes that i cant avoid. i know i always been a cryer in the dark but lately its out of control. even the simplest words touched me and tear jerked me! its exhausting me. making me feel like its going to be that way again and again. crying doesn't mean sad rite? it cud be a lot of other things but for me its for nothing. its like the reason to cry is when the deepest, softest part of me has been touched, has been disturbed. the bright side of it, it goes to show that i have feelings, im not feelingless like i thought i was. the darkside of it, someone somewhere thinks its them to blame. its not. maybe they trigger it but the rest, elaborating this part was entirely me. see me babbling nonesensely. i hate tis cuz i ruined everything.

speechless

hello blog. it's been quite awhile, isn't it?
wuuu, i've been happy, so happy with what i have right now. i've met him and being with him makes me the happiest girl in the world~ ^^
there's no word to describe how it feels but all i know it makes me feel better about everything. yes, i've waited long for this and yes, i am happy.
thank you Allah for this beautiful man you've sent to me. if its a little early to say, i hope he was created for me because above all, he always bring out the best in like no one else can do.

Mohd Asyraf,
i get it all, tall, dark, and handsome. :P and comell~ :3
kind, giving and understanding
patience, passionate and emphatic
it's when you scream, and he calms you.
when you slap him, and he kisses you.
when you cry, and he hugs you.
when you tell him you hate him, and he tells you he loves you
this is what you are that i know, i just can't ask for more and i hope it stays like this forever~ :]

ive hated you before, you know...

i knooowww i should have not been thinking about it but so much has happened and pretty much, i was force to think about it anyway. well, ok get this. all your life, all you have is yourself, then your real families and last, your friends. this is your comfort zone. through life, you will meet a stranger and get to know him and then finally get into him, generally. then you have to get to know his family, him to yours. so the problem is how would you, especially a girl get that golden ticket to enter the new family. just be yourself? boy, you are reading too many books and novels. pretending? not going to get you anywhere. ok, maybe a mixed of be yourself and pretend here and there would let you make it to the finals. well, its going to be a disaster. it used to scare me about this whole in law thing because i dunno, not very good with the people? other's parents usually never failed to scare me? and the family = a lot of people in it with different stories, different other family and yada, yada, yada. haha, of course i am excited to be part of a large, big happy family, if it is a big happy family where i used to own one before my grandmother died. after that, they are all just some piece of shit. don't mind that but today, i figure out, hey, i am going to marry someone else's son and for that i have to gain that permission whether i like it or not. there's no other way, everyone have the same problem and why would i not have the same right. it seems fine for everyone so i guess i'll be just fine even though im going to be scared shitless when the time comes. hahahahaha.

but the thing that forced me to think about this is how a person with a wrecked personality would have gone through that. oh God, i knew this one person who have this problem and i was trying to figure out how she would...tackle the situation. the truth is, im sick of her already, she caused too many problems and know no shame. if she thought she had lost everything in this life, that's bullshit. there are alot of others out there who suffered more than you are. i don't know what more she wants because she had almost everything she wanted. the thing that pissed me off is the way my mom got the worst blow. my mother has done everything for her, absolutely everything, even more than her own children, but then you still thinking that you have less than everyone else. if only she could see that if she changed her ways, we could have loved you better and everything would be easy. and the things that get me, come on, you are all grown up, act like one. yes, i know you are mad with them but do come to your senses, the only way you could do is succeed in your life and show them what you are made of. but no, you can't see that and you don't want to see that. so what else? well, i'm sorry if you feel that way but me and family couldn't care a less too for you. we all have a better things to do than to just feels sorry for you. we do but if you continued to do things like this and acted like you are, i doubt that how you are going to do the in law thing because even us, your real family could not stand you. unless, with other people you pretend to be normal. well, that is so sick. you'll hurt the ones that you love huh? great. carry on, we'll see who get really hurt in the end.you really pissed me off and if i get a chance to fight you, i will make sure i would make the best out of it. and i mean every word.

too ordinary for the world...whatever that means. heh.

sometimes i've wondered if other people have the same problem as mine. or i have the same problem as theirs. which whatever it is, i'm grateful for what i have. of course, as a human or more precisely as a girl, there was more that i wanted. much, much more than i should. i wouldn't say i lack of things, all my neccesities has been filled sufficiently by my dear parents...thanks to umi and abah. but there was more to dream, is it?

well, maybe back then, i would say i wouldn't miss a thing if i don't have anyone to call my own but today, i know how good it feels to care for someone who cares for me back.
maybe back then i wish for someone who are gloriously perfect but today, i will accept them the way they are because that what makes them special.
maybe back then i would long for the extraordinary person but today, just by being ordinary would always bring that smile to my face.
maybe back then i have this huge dream that i wanted to achieve so bad but today i understand that nothing is more important than to make everything that makes me happy real than the far away dream.

it's what i have now that's the one that i have to make out of the most. im not sure if im looking for something out there but for whatever reason, i am happy for what i have now eventhough i don't have them yet or soon or maybe even never. and to think back, everything in my life falls at the right places. sometimes it scares me that it was so...perfect. the life, the job, the love?

what i have might not be something that people would look up to or let alone fantatizing for it, but for me, i have the best part of it, the most wonderful
and i am exactly where i wanted to be. you might called it an easy way out like i used to think but it's just the same. i had my own difficulties, hardship and obstacles. its in for everyone who went through this life and it never stops and i want to go through my life like i should, for the future is a mystery, for love has no boundaries and for life is too short. just be grateful to the bit of your life that remains and of coures to the one that has just get started.

well, maybe back then i don't want to grow up, i want to stay in my 3 years old world but today i am 20, i finally see the world with my heart, with the help of people around me.

haaa....the long holiday must have taken me into these all mushy stuff. for what its worth, i am glad that i am just an ordinary and living off my so called boring life...that makes me a happy girl :]

dear darlings brat......

you guys...kakngah, kaklang, abang zaid, kakak aisyah and ziyad, just so you know kaklong loves you guys so much. most of you guys are still small, still cute, still... well, shittin off the diapers, we will never know what's going to happen tomorrow, in the future but just don't let this thing that we had now, this brotherly and sisterly loves vanished just like that. there are 6 of us and this 6 of us will stay strong together. you guys know right how weird it feels when one of us went missing, away to some camp, even when im away to college...haha, then mum would talk about how would it be when its kakngah's turn away for college like its the end of the world...yeah, that's funny or like how kaklang is going to survive doing house chores without the other 2 big sisters... all those good talks and i want all of us to feel that way every time, all the time, even when you guys all grown up, have a life of your own or so, or having a family of your own. always remember that you once had a family growing up and no matter what, keep it in your heart always. the journey of life is a long way to go for all of us but always be strong and me, will always be there for the 5 of you, i might scream a little, bully a bit but hey, that's my big sister way for you guys and one day, you're going to remember and laugh about it and most of all, missed it and remembered me. i love you guys so much.

*i'm saving it here until all of you are matured enough to know what this piece is all about. then i'm going to make copies to your email every freaking days of your life. haha. my big sister wayyy... :]

what's with the extraordinary anyway?

is it compulsory for us to be extraordinary? ok, maybe once we've thought about it right but really, does it really matters to have the power, to have the gift, the talent....and the way you chased them down is like obessessing over something unreal? i mean ok, dreams got you far but do you really need to be all that? yes, everyone wants to change the world, for better, for good. that is very needed right now. but how, may i ask you to change the world where you cannot even changed yourself first... and i'm not talking just about you, this goes to myself too. it seems like everyone got something to say, something to do, and the people who doesn't speak much about what people said is the one they called ignorant. well, the thing is we, the ignorant ones don't necessarily talks about it because it would only lead to bullshitting and in the end of the day, it was still nothing much to be done by you people who talks much now, is it? so let's not talk about why we don't talk about it as much as you are and start to do something useful for the world. we all have our own uniqueness and strong points to help the world to be a better place. instead of trying to do something too big, why don't we start with the smaller steps like correcting the wrongs off ourselves for we are not perfect. i really need to do that. then slowly build up for what you're believe in. then we can go for the next step and next and next. and no, you don't have to be extraordinary to do that. haaaaa, just something off my chest. :]

when its rain

everyone is chasing what they want
why haven't i?
why can't i go for what i want?
why didn't i admit it?
say it out loud?
the longer i hold up, the more pain i collect and the more its eating my heart out...
i need help.

oh my!

it happened so fast
i wonder if its going to last
an old feeling over times
i wonder if it still just a crush
lately my heart beat a song
with smiles dance across my face
i would laughing a rhyme
whenever your face across my mind
when my head pictures you
wondering how it feels to be real
im having a hang over
it does feel like within my reach
but the truth is still in haze
exaggerating won't help
i've been telling
i've been missing
i've been feeling
i've been thinking
i never want anyone like this before
you've been so close and so near
but i still can't get to you
and i'm still waiting
waiting to let go and to love
waiting till you are mine.

if i have him, ill be the happiest but is not going to be easy. wow, can't believe its happening too soon. yasmin, get a grip and pls don't tell him. ahahaha.

forgive me

im sorry
for i'll never be good enough for you
i'm sorry
for the words that i've thrown away
i'm sorry
for my mindless mistake
i'm sorry
for im not a daughter you want.

it's okay then, if you don't want to talk to me, maybe i deserved that.

Handcuffs by Bethany Griffin

my second book review

i had to buy it because the title of the book is handcuffs. man, i am so sick! when handcuff is involved, i was expecting something close to porn but it is not. thank god for that. and it is better than porn and it excite me to read.

its a story about a girl, parker prescott who is an ice princess, the boy who wants to thaw her, and everything that happens after they get caught with a pair of handcuffs. so busted but the moment was exhilarating and the moves, the question but the aftermath, sucks.

i just love her sometimes twisted mind and how she is with her ex-boyfriend, its almost not normal. but the boy is considered charming and dangerous at the same time. nope, he's not a vampire, thank you. and i am crazy for the handcuff moment, it was oh so sexy and well, so wrong but so tempting? ah yeah, something like that. i wouldn't mind that happen to me. LOL. but either way, that was most about it. its a almost typical school love story, family crisis, school life sucks and girl-enemies, friendship fuck-up, just like the one i had, and that's pretty much are.

but one thing i found very funny, parker blackmailed her neighbour and it works, like what? 2000$ dollars and she gets the money! LOL, its crazy but she got caught in the end. the thing is she did it for a good cause but stealing is still stealing, but she didnt get charged because the neighbour, Kyle, ex-friend knew who and why.

and the reason parker and he boyfriend which has no name in the book broke up because he wants to have sex with her and she don't but in the end they did it without being in the relationship and when the guy wants to get back together, she doesn't want to. strange but i really like her. LOL. a good read.

please don't disturb me.

i dunno what to do anymore. it seems so empty these days. i don't want to tell the story but i can't keep it burried there because its eating my heart out. even if the story have been told, no one would have the complete understanding of what or why and automatically, i am the victim instead of the predator. human. i wish they just say it even if it hurts. but i guess they just dont understand everything that happened, so i hope they would just forget everything that ive told like it was a whisper in the wind, swift and lost its way...yet, i want you to listen to it, of how disturbed it sounds.

i drive and drive into the long heavy traffic, and with my break was merely working, waiting til the day its losing and not functionting anymore. if you want to die, its so easy, you can either unconciously let go of the steering wheel while you were speeding at a turn, i have that privilege which i am very afraid to use. often i wish to let go after i finished thinking and cry. being in the traffic, you have all the time in the world to see, to think, to scream, to cry, to get distracted or to even to talk to yourself into things because everybody else would be busy to get out of the traffic and won't notice you. i am really afraid of myself because ot the impulsive acts that i could pull while driving. sometimes it is involuntary, so far it was always almost to hit the divider but i managed. i keep having these urges, to see what happen if i finally let go, to crash and to no longer seen walking on this earth.

Ya Allah, i am at Your mercy. Please don't let me lose it and only to You i pray and ask for protection in this life. but if it was meant for it to happen, i surrender completely to You.

awareness is very important but i can't seem to have that anymore. i shouldn't be driving like this but i don't want to burden my mom with things like this as if she haven't have enough things on her mind to worry about. oh, don't tell her. i just hope my sanity would be strong enough to control me to get there safely and to still be able to let my mom knows that i am already arrived in one piece, everyday. to keep holding on to the steering wheel means a life to live for, i just have to keep remember that. i have a life to live for even it meant solitude and my family that i love the most. how can they cope without me anyway? haha, yeah they need me alrite. drive and keep driving till you can't drive anymore.

True Love by Lurlene McDaniel

my first book review.

like the previous one that i've read, how do i love thee, this book true love is equally good. like always, i tend to go for a good bargain, 3 stories in one thick novel with a very reasonable price. yup, imma sucker for that.

the stories flow like this: Love, Romance and Friendship.

Love: Don't Die,My Love
Romance: I'll Be Seeing you
Friendship: A Rose for Melinda

my most fav is the 3rd story, the name reminded me of someone, kind of ironic or something. it was the most gripping yet out of the three. i cried a lot for this one. guess i saw how painful it is and the story was not written in the usual novel way. it was in the form of letters, emails, invitations, IM's, short notes and phone conversation. oh, and the diaries too. so you know it straight from the character's head. the others was ok, the first and the last involving death but not the second one. but for all the stories, it was worth reading.

Lurlene McDaniel is good with love and death. but the foremost important elements that she's trying to convey is hope and faith for the ones you loved. no matter if you are still alive or dead, the love never dies. yeah, i cried, it was sad and depressing. but a very good read. i rarely dissapoint myself when i pick up a book to read, one or two maybe but so far, i like my collection. you might call me shallow but as long as i enjoy what i read, you should do the same and get off my case.

evanescence rox my sox!

i love it. the melancholy of the mozart piece and the lyrics. amy lee is insanely creative!

Out on your own
cold and alone again
can this be what you really wanted, baby?

Blame it on me
set your guilt free
nothing can hold you back now

Now that you're gone
I feel like myself again
grieving the things I can't repair and willing...

To let you blame it on me
and set your guilt free
I don't want to hold you back now love

I can't change who I am
not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me
and in this short life,
there's no time to waste on giving up
my love wasn't enough

And you can blame it on me
just set your guilt free, honey
I don't want to hold you back now love

Human and people

oh ahoy! its been awhile now since...umm, awhile? hehe. so i want to..ehh, express something this time. it's about a lecturer of mine and his lectures. you know, he is a very exprience man and a good lecturer, there's no doubt about that but he's kinda confused me. i dunno if the other students were confused too but if you look a point of view, he's biased with things he said and his facts, they were kind of exaggerate. also, he told us that we can confide anything to him, problems and stuff, that i doubt very much, not because he couldnt keep a secret or such, i think he's pretty judging tho he told us he just going to be honest..well, for me, it's always been a good relationship with the lectures but when it comes to psychological, that's no child's play. i dunno why, but i have this feeling that he doesnt like me, yep. i swear i didnt literally and never done anything wrong to him, intentionally or unintentionally, so why? i always felt that he always try to provoke me and tell me indirectly that i have no personality. wth? maybe i am a bit of an introvert and i dun speak much in his class, i dun 'sparkle' him with knowledge that i have, i dun show off like the rest of them, because i am being me. that's me and the other lecturer are fine by it, why he has to do that to me? i dont see a reason why i have to go his way if i am not comfortable with myself rite? if he is an honest man, marks on the subject is untouchable and not going to be effected by his judgement. i often sit at my place and look directly to him in class and think about a lot of stuff about things that he said. and i come to a conclusion: i don't like him. that's it, he annoyed me and i don't want to give a shit about what he wants to say about me anyway. i know who i am and he is who he is, i am not going to be him and he's not going to get the best of me. well, i just hope i'll survive this sem and not going to see him again at the rest of the sems left. don't think i can't take that much anymore.

next, on last wednesday, i had an appointment, what is it, you don't need to know. so as usual, i went to that place and i'll have an attendant to attend me. it's always Becky who attended me, but this time, it was Wei Wei. how different can the two people who work at the same place, supposedly doing the same thing everyday? very, very different and if i have to rate, i'll give them equally. i like both, how well they do their work and both has their ways to do things. so, why do we want to do things in other's way when we can do it our way? why do we have to be like the others while we have our own identity and who are they to tell you that you don't have a personality? so ok, i might sucks at giving first impression but you can't keep keeping me in your black list and telling what should i do this and that? so, everyone is different, accept it. and i'll try to fix me to be better, for myself, but not you. that, you have to accept, mr. you can tell on me anything but i'll never let you get the real me.

self-reflection,self-realization,self-pity,self-depress,self-centered,self-mess,self-unwanted, self-release...

today, i went out with my mum for lunch together and i was asking her about my childhood because i can't remember almost nothing about it. i mean, yeah i cud probably trace back every bad things that i've done as a CHILD...haha, mum said i was a bit of a problematic kid and it is not because of just me. i've done the unexpected because of there were factors involved.

but mum told me one thing that really makes me taken aback. i was 5 i think, mum said i said something unusual for a 5 year old girl to say or even think about it... i was saying it to a friend of my mum's and then, she told my mum. i was like, woah, really, i said that? i can't remember a thing about the past as a child, i remember my mum ask the 5 year old me and my 2 years old sister to call her friend to come over because she was having miscarriage and my dad was outstation. i remember that very clearly of she was in pain, crying and probably blood and i was being scared as i dialled the phone for her...

the thing that i've said, you wouldn't believe what because i was questioning it myself too. and now i wonder if that has anything to do with who and how i am now? does the childhood really affected you as a grown up eventho you can't even remember the pain that you have to go through as a child? yeah, i have that and i personally blame my dad, especially his family. period. mum said probably the reason i don't remember because it was too bitter to swallow. i was labelled as a bad child for the whole world to know, SHE said to my mum my dad wants a son for the first newborn, they treated my mum badly and i am not as important as the other grandchildren and all those sayings....maybe she's right, but i still have the sweet part of it with my late nenek and atuk. altho they have long gone, especially atuk, but i still remember when he brought me to kedai kopi kat kampung, and he would order teh tarik and pour some of it on the saucer so it would be cold faster for me to drink. that was the fondest memory i have of him and for nenek, i love her to death. i really, really miss them, and for me, i have no other grandparents than them who loves me for who i am.

wow, i don't mean to offend anyone or trying to show the skeleton in my closet, but you know, things could have been differently if SHE who-shall-not-be-mention would be a little bit normal like everyone else and fuck off from destroying other's life. what the hell is wrong with HER? up until now, SHE's still as evil as SHE is eventho SHE's already near to death. how's that? God, i really hated HER, loathe, disgust by HER. SHE is the reason of why my dad who used to love me so much as a child like every other dad would as my mum told me, ended with the things that i've said. i probably have a painless childhood and could remember all those good things i've been as a child, but thanks to HER and i don't claim myself to be perfect either but sometimes i wonder if i was a good daughter to my parents and if i could do better than what i am now. i was embarrassed by this thing that a friend of my sister did for her parents. she is 17 now, her parents were into frozen food business, so the money depends on how the sales were. she knew this month is a slow month for the business so she decided to use up her own money she had and she's not working to pay the school fees and the tuitions fees and it was actually still not enough and she was embarrassed to ask her mum. me? i still took advantages of everything in my life and i'm already 20. i feel ashamed of myself, very. it seems that everyone around me has something to give, or to sacrifice for, something to give up for or anything. and i can't see anything from me. that makes me feel like a piece of a worthless speciment of a human being in this world, to myself, to my family and friends and everyone. i really wish i could do something, anything...

as i grew up, i learnt to accept, to appreciate more, to love and to use my heart and brain. i was lucky that people that i have in my life is the one that would be my saviour any day. i have my bestfren who would ended up me hurting her hurting me because of who i am but still would stick with me till the end and my family, especially my mum. i am indeed very, very, very lucky to have a PERFECT mother. she is my everything, absolutely my everything. i don't know what i'll do without her. and its killing me knowing that one day she would have to go and i would never be ready for that. i got asphyxiated just thinking about it. and i am very fortunate to be her daughter and a part of her. my dad too would have been nothing without her. sigh. it drives me crazy just thinking about it, about all of this. a past is a past, but when the past is still living and still trying to destroy you, what would you do? i was used to listen to other's stories about their problems but i was unknown to my own and knowing it and more makes me feel useless and unwanted and i am not actually happy as i thought i were or as i cud be. and if this my future and the truth, then i rather would be better dead. please help me, Ya Allah.:[

rainbow-NEW

'Eearie Candy Tree' hehe its just happen!

rainbow series

rainbow series

rainbow series.

this one, seriously love it, love making it and love the result.

if want to see all of it in an album, click on my facebook link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2047918&id=1198163510&l=e442fda9e6